After sitting at my computer for hours the other day staring at a queue page, I have finally come to the revelation that I don’t want to attend the “event”. Just to put your suspicions to rest, this has no connection with the fact that I didn’t get tickets to said “event”. It just so happens that around 5 pm eastern that I came to realize completely on my own that I hate that particular event and never truly wanted to attend in the first place. In fact I wouldn’t accept tickets if someone gave them to me (please contact me at email@example.com).
All ya’ll with ambition, listen and take stock,
Plan got messed up, stupid internet,
Everyone that got tickets can go suck on a rock.
I was watchin, waitin, eyes like a hawk,
Random announcement didn’t matter, had my credit card all set,
The goal was unique, original, pax cosplay as black Spock.
Studied the floorplan of the Enterprise, I knew it like it was my block,
My boys were Kirk, Bones and Scottie, we were a Star Trek quartet,
Everyone that got tickets can go suck on a rock.
Now I’m at a “QUEUE PAGE”, please . . . . don’t give me that crock,
I been planning since last year, you owe me my ticket,
Like affirmative action on Vulcan, I could have been black Spock.
Open the door and sell me my pass, I know you can hear me knock
It’s 5 o’clock son, now I’m startin to fret,
Sold out? SOLD OUT!? . . . Go suck on a rock
Man, I was rocking that uniform, I had it on lock.
I flew off the handle; folks thought I had Tourette’s.
“I even had the pointy brown ears, I WAS BLACK SPOCK!”
Everyone that got tickets can go suck on a rock.
I feel many of you share the same sentiment as Francis, regarding the “rumored” always on internet requirement the next xbox might have. Angry man video after the jump. (more…)
On PGR 216 (Available on iTunes) Eddy described for us how he was able to do the worm when he was younger now thanks to a dramatic recreation we are able to present you with TG1 the worm. Good old-fashioned wormy fatness after the jump. (more…)
There are many types of gamers, Like variables, gamer types are not set. Some gamers can fit into multiple types. What I have learned is that no gamer is constant. Here are some examples of the gamer types I have encountered over the years. This opinion piece is meant to shine the spotlight on our disturbing trend to classify ourselves. Find out what type you are after the jump. (more…)
Meet Eddie, one of the three owners of talkingaboutgames.com. He’s our go to guy for RT. No tweet is too small. He’s @tg1_eddie on Twitter, give him a follow he might retweet your stuff also. We like Edwardo he’s our rock, our foundation our Benchmark. So that’s it for now, we’ll see you next week with our new segment The ReTweeter.
What is it that makes fans turn on something they love once it reaches an immense popularity? Have you ever turned on something you loved because it became too popular? The most popular types of “turning” in my experience had been in the indy (independent) music scene. Indy guy feels he loves a band so much, so long as the music he loves doesn’t get played on an actual radio station. Once indy guy hears his favorite indy band getting some quality air play, indy guy will forsake them, call them trendy and swear on the indy gods that the band had sold out. Lately I feel that a lot of my close friends resemble indy guy. You see, they have been turning on Apple, more specifically the iPhone.
JVB loves an underdog and who to be honest who doesn’t? When the little baby Xbox first stood up to the mean giant SONY Playstation brand, it was JVb that stood in Xbox’s corner. When Eli Manning took the New York Giants to the Superbowl for the first time, it was JVB that rooted for them when no one else gave them a chance in hell. JVB is a champion for underdogs. It’s in his DNA. Only problem now is, JVB has abandoned something that loved him back so much. I truly wish he had never settled for Samsung.
JVB owned an iPhone. He was a happy man. He sung and cheered and played with his iPhone until it got so popular in the market that he said it got boring. I think it got too popular for him. JVB is like that indy music guy that wants to discover the next big band before anyone else, only this time there is nothing better to discover than an iPhone. He’s convinced the Galaxy S3 is a better phone than an iPhone. Now that’s dangerous enough on its own but now he’s starting to convince others as well. What has me worried is what will happen when the Galaxy S3 becomes the most popular phone in the market? Then I think about it a bit and I can’t help but smile. You want to know what will happen? I’ll tell you what happens, JVB will go back to iPhone because he hates fucken sell outs.
Diablo III was released yesterday. To a great number of PC and Mac players, this meant that the long awaited sequel to a now classic franchise was about to kill their already dwindling social lives. Inside many households across the globe there would be a gamer hunched over his or her computer in the dark, staring into an illuminated screen. Their girlfriends would go neglected, their voicemail inboxes would be filled with messages from screaming bosses, and their hermit beards would begin growing.
What happened instead was Error 37. When the servers initially went up they were quickly overloaded by people trying to authenticate their game online. This caused an error message to pop up on the screen, “The servers are busy at this time. Please try again later. (Error 37)” A number usually reserved for Kevin Smith jokes, 37 quickly became the bane of Diablo players the world over. Blizzard, as it seems simply didn’t foresee exactly how many people were going to pick up Diablo III.
Server issues are something one usually sees when trying to play a multi-player game online. The latest game with this problem was Battlefield III, when the EA servers were slammed by midnight launchers. It was something that haunted Battlefield for weeks. In the age of single player games having to constantly be online to remain authenticated, this is a problem that is going to increasingly happen with single player games.
Fear not, kind gamer. This writer has compiled a list of games you can play while awaiting Diablo III authentication. It’s safe to say that you’ve missed these games in the months leading up to release. These games passed you by as you spent your time constantly refreshing the Diablo III trailer on YouTube, tried earnestly to break the beta, and stood in front of the trailer screens at GameStop gawking at the real-time gameplay videos.
Developed by the Superbrothers and Capybara Games, Sword & Sworcery EP is one of the most unique iOS experiences to come across in a long time. It was so renowned that it was recognized by the Independent Games Festival when it was awarded its Mobile Achievement in Art award back in 2010. The game was ported to PC via Steam last month, so you PC people have nothing to complain about. The music, which so elegantly moves you through each level, was beautifully composed by Jim Guthrie, whose is highly revered for his experimental music style.
The gameplay of Sword & Sworcery is simple as you tap on the screen where you want the main character to go. The PC version utilizes the mouse to complete this function. Combat is done by turning the screen 90 degrees, to which the main character draws her sword. The main character does a lot of walking and talking, as she meets a lot of interesting people and speaks to them through thought bubbles. Jim Guthrie’s music is what drives this game, as the mood can change from jolly to unnerving to lighthearted and then to dark.
The characters are small square sprites over a monochrome landscape, which has been lavishly rendered, possibly pushing iOS to its limits. The fun thing about this game is the mystery behind it. Not knowing where to go or what to do is engaging for a lot of players. It is quite rewarding once you do figure out what to do and where to go.
Also, the way the game incorporates the usage of Twitter is genius. You can hit a button to tweet lines of text from the game onto your Twitter feed. Discovering people and objects and then being given the option to tweet a 140 character line of text is something I’ve never seen a game do. However, “So you’ve awoken the deathless spectre who slumbered in the darkness beneath Mingi Taw” might be clever to you, it could be annoying to others. It can also lead to a snicker or two when you begin getting responses like “What?” and “Huh?” from your Twitter followers.
Another game to keep your gaming appetite sated while awaiting your turn in the Diablo III queue is Fez. One of the most popular, and highly anticipated indie games in recent memory, Fez is a game that harkens back to those days of Super Nintendo and Sega Genesis. At its core Fez is a platform game. As a child of the 80s who grew up in a neighborhood with very few kids, Fez reminds me of Super Mario World. Both games take place in other worlds, and there are many obstacles in your way. Both games are also very colorful and feature a little sprite jumping around from point A to point B.
Where Fez veers off is in its ability to change perspectives. You’re in a 2D world with 3D capabilities. The gameplay is mind shattering. Not only can you change your perspective, but as you go along you can unlock hidden goodies to help you along your way. For example there are a series of levels with thunder and lightning. The lightning strikes allow some platforms that were hidden in the dark to be seen very briefly. This isn’t just another platform game. With the 3D perspectives you can spend hours lost in certain levels, not knowing where exactly you’re supposed to go.
It also has a very Metroid feel where you can unlock more levels as you advance. Items in rooms that were not available before are open to you as you continue you on your mission and collect more tiny cubes. The secrets in the game are vast, and what looks like a simple platforming game simply isn’t. There is something about the game, whether it’s the music, or the movement of the on screen characters that makes this game such an emotional experience.
Currently Fez is only available for the Xbox 360 through its Game Marketplace. So if you want to play this beautiful game you have to leave the comfy confines of your bedroom, coffeehouse, or college study room, and reach for that controller with the big X on it. There are several hours of guaranteed fun with Fez, enough to keep you distracted long enough from your Error 37 Diablo problems.
Diablo III took an Error 37 to the server. I can just see the internet memes now. While standing in the Diablo queue you can reacquaint yourself with and get lost in the world of Tamriel once again. Already beat the game? Well, that’s okay, you can take this time to level up your Ebony Mail wearing pick pocketing dragon shouting Wood Elf Battle Mage. Whether fighting on the side of the Empire or the Stormcloaks, Skyrim is the deeply immersive open world role-playing game that killed the social lives of many gamers on 11-11-11. Originally rife with glitches, Skyrim has finally been patched thoroughly. While it’s not totally glitch free, where once you saw backwards flying dragons, multiplying NPCs, arrows stuck in heads and Playstation 3 saved file issues, it has become much less of a pain to play the game.
If you’ve already completed the game then the sensible thing for you to do is to try and level up for the anticipated release of the Dawnguard DLC. Collect as many gold coins as possible and fill your many houses with cheese wheels. Use your electricity on townspeople and bandits, the whole time yelling out loud as if you were Emperor Palpatine in Revenge of the Sith. If nothing else, then sit in the corner alone and read your copies of The Lusty Argonian Maid. We’re not here to judge. Put on your Skyrim horn hat, yell “Fus Ro Dah!” into your Kinect device, and have a great time. If anyone gives you any smack, just tell them that while there may be glitches in the game at least you can still play it. Better yet, tell them, “I’ve got 37 problems, but a glitch ain’t one!”
While server queues are generally no fun these are just some of the things you can do while waiting in line. The others include going outside and reading a book, taking a walk with your doggie, looking up some old friends on Facebook, and inviting them out for a beverage of your choice, or watch any of the awesome shows on television. I heard Game of Thrones is nice. Oh, and then there is that Minecraft game I guess. All of those things are more fun than sitting in line and waiting for Diablo III. Unless, of course, you’re some kind of game masochist, and you actually prefer the never-ending migraine brought to you by Blizzard and their ineptness.
So I noticed you’ve been catching a lot of flak for doing so well on online. I’m sure you’re wondering how I noticed this. *Hides camera* Don’t worry, I have my sources. What’s more important here is your lack of adequate retorts. Well yes, it CAN be hard to come up with the perfect one liner to send them to the corner with a “Dunce” cap, but luckily I’m here to help. I may not be the best player out there (then again I might be), but I know how to handle myself in game chat, which can sometimes be more useful. Now let’s make one thing clear, I’m not advocating for trash talk…..I’m advocating for reverse trash talk. After all, they started it. Here’s a breakdown of how to deflect all that hate coming your way.
Insult about your mother (classic opener):
The important thing here is to stay calm. Like Dorothy Mantooth, your mother is a saint so don’t believe their lies. What you want to do now is claim you have no mother; come up with a better childhood story (sorry mom). For example, you were raised by a pair of endangered white Bengal tigers. When these tigers came under poacher attach, you were separated forever and forced to join civilized society under the moderation of your court appointed guardian Roy Horn. To this day, you search for your furry parents. People won’t know how to handle this response. Maybe they say something mean about the tigers, whatever, you weren’t raised by tigers, stupid them. Keep the story going if you have to. Eventually you will probably get some laughs from the rest of the game lobby, dissuading the incoming hate even more.
Your K/D was terrible last game (this kid can count):
The normal response to this is something along the lines of “I was texting” or, “I’m eating.” You aren’t going to get much sympathy for excuses like these. Be imaginative. What were you really doing all game? That’s right, you were working on your latest fresco rendition of the Mona Lisa. Insist that you are quite the painter, and that the background noise of your character dying helps you focus your artistic emotions for a true masterpiece. Continue using this excuse until you have a good game and go positive.
You’re Noob-tubing (people love to rant about this one, me included):
While you agree that at first glance it may have SEEMED that you were noob-tubing (shooting grenade launcher rounds left and right), you were really conducting valuable research for the South Seas Aeronautics and Physics Department of Homeland Affairs and Protection (SSAPDHAP). With a name that long and complex, how could you be lying? Your assignment? Study the projectile motion and radial arch paths of projectiles to more accurately protect against precision explosive attacks on native soil. Again, the key here is persistence and creativity. Never admit you are lying, and never stop developing the story. There is really not much for them to insult here, as they no doubt know you are falsifying everything but cannot prove it. They will soon grow tired of arguing with someone not willing to accept defeat, and leave you alone. If they perk up after a particular tubing death, reply with, “Just doing my job.”
Any other insult or negative comment about you or your performance:
There are an infinite number of ways for the enemy to insult you. As I cannot provide a comprehensive list in this article, and entrust you with an escape path for each, I will leave you with a blanket catch-all way to get out of most slippery online situations. It is quite simple really, and involves one of two options. Option number 1: the breakdown of Phil Collins’ Air Tonight. Play this portion of the song, along with the 5 seconds preceding it, over the game mic. This musical masterpiece is simply too epic for anyone’s hate to penetrate. The game lobby will be enveloped in song, and all misgivings will be forgotten. Option number 2: Marvin Gaye’s Sexual Healing. What more needs to be said. Do you honestly think you can be mean while Sexual Healing is playing? Give it a try, you are destined for failure. The smoothness of Marvin Gaye just doesn’t allow for negativity, and the ambience the song provides leaves room for nothing but love.
I hope this has been an eye opening experience for you, and a journey into the world of online self-protection. It’s not easy fighting off hate, but with practice, dedication, and maybe a little 1980’s soft rock, you should walk away unharmed.
Before we begin on this very touchy subject, let me preface anything you read here by saying this. I am basing my findings on experience and speculation, when which combined do not make a good product. This opinion piece/editorial does not represent the views of talkingaboutgames or any of its representatives. This is my attempt to make sense of some truly well written alien races. Don’t blame me, blame Bioware for making me think this way. Also you can blame society for teaching me these stereotypes. Some of it’s humorous, some of it is not. We must all be able to laugh at ourselves and I mean no disrespect (meaning someone is probably going to be disrespected) So if your ready we will start with the Asari.
Asari – They are considered to be the most powerful and respected species in the known galaxy. They are a mono-gender race known for their elegance and are a romantic breed. Their home planet of Thessia is home to the largest economy in the Milky Way.
Given those facts I peg the Asari as Italians. First Italy is home to one of the richest religions in the world the Roman Catholics, like the Asari – Italians are very connected to faith and seem to be the most respected people on Earth – Godfather anyone?
Drell – The omnivorous, reptilian Drell possess an average life span of 85 standard galactic years. They lost their home world and most of the Drell population (11 billion) to an environmental extermination. They have been taken in by the Hanar and the remaining 375,000 Drell are all subject to a fatal bacterial lung disease.
Puerto Ricans and Drell have a lot in common, they both die young and Puerto Ricans hate Dominicans as much as the Drell hate the Vorcha.
Elcor – This massive species stands on four muscular legs. They are deliberate and conservative
Samoan like the Elcor are huge! Samoan people are also very helpful and can battle when necessary.
Reapers – Are a highly advanced machine race of synthetic-organic starships. They reside in Dark Space and lay dormant for fifty years at a time, before they are given the signal to return and destroy all organic life.
White People, what can I say since the 1970′s you guys have been making great progress as a race, before then…slavery, racism, elitism just being overall dicks hellbent on owning and or destroying anything in their path. Sound familiar?
Hanar – The Hanar are a species resembling Earth’s jellyfish and are one of the few non-bipedal races. Hanar are known for their intense politeness when speaking, and their strong religious beliefs regarding the Enkindlers.
French – No spine.
Humans – From the planet Earth, they are the newest sentient species of notable size to enter the galactic stage and are the most rapidly expanding and developing species.
Mexicans – The chosen people, it’s no wonder Shepard is known as “Loco”. All Aliens see the humans the way society see’s Mexicans as a problem.Why?, because they are expanding faster than other races.
Keepers – A bio-engineered, insectoid race only found on the citadel. They are docile and exist for no other reason than to maintain the Citadel.
Eskimos – No one messes with Eskimos and no one messes with The Keepers. They exist only in Alaska….I think.
Salarians – Warm-blooded amphibians native to Sur’Kesh. Salarians possess a hyperactive metabolism; they think fast, talk fast, and move fast. Great inventors and thinkers.
Chinese – Seems like everything is made in China, well in space everything is pretty much made by Salarians. Both are some smart mother effers.
Turians – Known for their militaristic and disciplined culture they are seen as rigid and imperialist by other species.
Japanese – The way they operate just screams feudal Japan. Loyalty, Honor, Death before disgrace. The Japanese people and Turians are one in the same.
Volus -Because they are not physically adept compared to most species, Volus mostly make their influence felt through trade and commerce.
Jewish people are business savvy, it seems that every successfully business in the Citadel is run by the Volus. They are cheap bastards also. I think I got 3 space bucks from a Volus for going to the Far Rim for a statue of a Asari god. When’s the last time a Jewish dude gave anyone 3 dollars?
Batarians – A race of four-eyed bipeds, they are a disreputable species that chose to isolate themselves from other species.
Al-Queda, ya I know not all Muslims are terrorist, fact is 99% of them are downright law-abiding citizens, but just like the Baatarians it only takes a few to give all of them a bad name.
Geth – A race of networked artificial intelligences that reside beyond the Perseus Veil. When the Geth became sentient they began to question their masters.
Simply put the Geth is Apple, they started out good (Jobs in), were then controlled by the Reapers (Jobs out Scully in) then went back to being good (Jobs in). iCloud anyone?
Protheans – They are an extinct race, enslaved by the Reapers.
Africans were once enslaved by white people as the Protheans by the Reapers….hmmmm
Krogan – They are a species of large reptilian bipeds native to the planet Turchanka.
The Russians became too powerful, only way to stop them was to allow them to destroy themselves from within along with ending the Cold War and allowing the U.S.S.R. to collapse. Krogans also fell to the same kind of fate with the genophage.
Quarians – A nomadic species of humanoid aliens known for their skills with technology and synthetic intelligence.
Indian like India not Native Americans, Indian people wear funky clothes and are very nomadic. The Quarians would do a great job running 7-11 or offering you tech-support for your Dell computer. (PICNIC)
Vorcha – They have a unique biology and an aggressive behavior, the Vorcha are a primitive race that live among the galaxy’s most dangerous locations, such as Omega. Their presence is generally seen as a blight.
Dominicans are hated by Puerto Ricans no one wants Dominicans around. No one wants Vorcha around.
There you have it. My take on the Mass Effect alien races as compared to actual human people-types.
What do you think? Accurate, total B.S. or just downright racist and tasteless.
I feel it’s a combination of speculation and experience….but I could be wrong.